


Alive in the Lies

by egosoffire



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: I thought you were dead, Lies, M/M, Mistaken Beliefs, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 21:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13509714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egosoffire/pseuds/egosoffire
Summary: Leia tells Poe that her son is dead.Years later, Poe deals with the fallout.





	Alive in the Lies

Leia’s words cut into his heart, digging straight through his ribs and into his soul. Poe staggered, knees hitting the ground before he’d even realized he dropped. 

_ “My son is dead.” _

No. There was no way. Even if he wasn’t like Ben, gifted in the Force, he’d always felt a strong connection to the other man. He would feel it, if it was true, wouldn’t he? He would somehow know. 

“No,” he whispered, voicing the objection in his heart. Ben wasn’t dead. It was a mistake. It was wrong. “That’s not possible.”

The general he had always admired, loved like his own mother deep down, knelt beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. Her face was set firm, none of the outward signs of grief one would expect on her lovely features. She held him for a moment.

“I’m so sorry, Poe,” she whispered. “None of us expected this.”

“What happened?” he whispered, the words sounding foreign on his tongue. If he said the words, that meant he was accepting that Ben was dead, which is impossible. “What...could have happened?”

“One of Luke’s young apprentices betrayed him,” Leia responded, tentatively reaching up and brushing her hand through his hair. It was a gesture meant to be tender, loving, but it made Poe flinch. No. Ben was supposed to be here. “From what I have been able to find out, he took some of the others with him and...slaughtered the rest. I’m so sorry, Poe.”

He looked up and saw that Leia was crying. The tears slid down her face, slowly. Those tears echoed in his mind as they hit the floor. Leia was crying. His general. The strongest woman in the galaxy was in tears. She had lost her only son.

His Ben.

“He can’t be gone…” he whispered, as he realized the truth. Ben was gone, forever. 

 

_“I told Dameron that Ben was dead.”_

Leia looked up at Han as he entered the room, tears in her eyes. She had been crying all night, in the moments when she was allowed to be weak, to be afraid. Han looked at her, alarm in his eyes.

“Leia, why would you do such a thing?”

His words weren’t judgmental, just concerned and afraid. He opened his mouth like he wanted to speak again, but closed it, giving up. 

“I had to,” she said, insistently. “I couldn’t let him know the truth, not right now, at least. Dameron loved Ben, with all of his heart. He would give up to know what Ben has done, what he’s become. At least now he can grieve, and heal…”

“So, is that our story?” Han asked, bitterness dripping into his every single word. “Is that what we’re going to tell everyone? Ben was slaughtered in a senseless act of violence…”

Leia did not speak, unsure of the answer.

“What happens when the truth gets out?” Han asked, after a moment of her silence. “We’re going to try and save him, Leia. We’re not going to just give up on our son. What if we bring him home? What if...we don’t, and it gets out?”

“I did what I had to do, for right now,” she replied. “It wasn’t nice, it wasn’t pretty, but it was what had to be done. I wanted to spare the man, and our people as a whole, for right now.”

“And if things get out?”

“I will deal with the consequences when they do.”

With that, she brushed past him. She knew that it was not Han’s fault, but she couldn’t bear to look at him, couldn’t bear the thought of talking to him. She had to distance herself if she was going to survive. 

 

It was during his interrogation at the hands of Kylo Ren that Poe felt something. It was a strange feeling, deep inside of him, when Ren probed at the inside of his mind. As the First Order’s monster extracted the location of the map, memories kept flooding his mind.

They weren’t memories that had to do with Skywalker, the Resistance or anything that would be of use to the First Order, though. No, they were memories of the past, memories of his time spent with Ben. 

At first, he thought it was just a torture tactic. After all, Kylo Ren was a Force user and very gifted. He could use his gifts to cause more harm than any physical torture ever could. What was more harmful to Poe than memories of the life he could have had?

He had been planning a future with Ben, and that had all been ripped away by one of Luke’s who turned to the dark side. Leia would never confirm if that was Kylo Ren or not, when his existence among the First Order was uncovered, but Poe had always expected that Kylo Ren was Ben’s killer.

_“Did you kill him?”_ he found himself screaming out. _“Did you kill him?”_

The words fell on deaf ears, because Ren had left him alone, a heap who had given him all he needed. 

It was later, when he woke up in the Jakku desert, brain addled by hunger and thirst, that an image crossed his mind, an image that didn’t seem like a dream at all. 

In his vision, Kylo Ren leaned over him, looking at him with that godawful mask. He then took it off, revealing a face that wasn’t supposed to be. It was the face of Ben Solo, the boy he had loved with all of his heart and soul. It was Ben’s face but older, drawn thin with pain and suffering.

“So, you did exactly what I expected you would,” Ben said softly, voice trembling. “You stayed with my mother and her failed rebellion. You’re going to die like this, Poe. But maybe not today…”

It took a long time, and a long fight before he recognized the truth.

 

 

_“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”_

Leia turned around to see Poe standing behind her. There was none of his usual respect in his voice, or his mode of addressing her. His voice was cold, full of a dangerous accusation.

“Poe,” she whispered. “Please try and understand.”

“You lied to me!” he yelled, betrayal in his voice. “You told me that Ben died. You told me that Ben was dead…” 

“I had to.” Leia avoided his gaze. She usually was able to be professional, talk to her son’s ex-boyfriend like he was just another officer. Yet, she found that with the reveal, she could not. “It let you grieve, Poe. It let you grieve and let go.”

His voice rose several octaves at that. “Let go?” he asked incredulously. “Let go? I have never let go of Ben. I’ve always felt this deep ache in my heart, like it was never over… Like it couldn’t possibly be the end. I always had this feeling in the back of my mind. Ben isn’t dead.”

“Poe…”

“You made me think I was crazy!” he yelled, nearly doubling over from how much it hurt. “You made me think I was crazy for feeling my dead boyfriend, deep inside my heart.” 

“Poe...I am so sorry. I thought it was for the best. I was wrong. But, Ben is dead… the boy you loved so much is dead and gone.”

“I could have saved him,” Poe whispered, voice raw. “If you had let me know that he was alive, I could have went in and saved him before it was too late.” 

“I couldn’t risk you like that,” she said. “I had already lost my son and my brother. You have always been like another son to me. I didn’t want...you to suffer the way that I have been… for so long.”

“It’s been years.” 

“And now what do you want to do, Poe?”

“I want to go into the First Order base and bring Ben home,” Poe whispered. There was no lying to her. 

“You’re impulsive,” Leia comforted. “And you were worse a couple years back. There was no way that I could allow it…” 

 

It was on the battlefield, years later, that Poe and Ben met again. Ben stood in front of Poe, cloaked in the darkness. The war was ending and the Resistance, thriving.

Intelligence they had not expected turned the tide of the war, and there was no doubt in Poe’s mind where it came from. 

He looked at Poe for a long moment, sadness in his soft wounded eyes. “So, you know the truth now,” he said, reaching out his hand to Poe. It seemed, in that moment, that it would be so easy to take Ben by the hand, but Poe hesitated. “You’ve known for a long time, haven’t you?”

“I figured it out,” he said softly. “You shouldn’t have gone into my head, Ben.” 

_“I’m sorry.”_

The words came out of Ben in a way that had Poe floored, doubting his sincerity. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry. I loved you. Snoke was just too much to...stop. I could never stop. And then, after, I couldn’t...I couldn’t come back.” 

“You can come back, now.” 

Then, Poe took the chance and took Ben’s hand. The skin was cool, chilled against his own warmth. It was a hand he’d never imagined he’d hold again. He took it and pressed his lips to the back of it, lightly. 

Ben was alive, and Poe felt alive again.


End file.
